Iggy Azalea is Useless.

First thing's first, I'm the realest - quote from a white Australian girl who pretends to be a southern African American girl

In recent years, the music industry has churned out several absolutely intolerable "talents" that are subsequently force-fed down our throats via the radio and other forms of media. Some of these acts include Ashlee Simpson, Ke$ha, LMFAO, and French Montana, among far too many others. But none of these acts can compare with the utterly mindless atrocity that is Iggy Azalea.

HURR DURR ME IGGY

Before any die-hard Iggy fans shoot me down because I'm "jealous of her," let me make it clear that I am in no way jealous of Miss Azalea. I am writing this because I cannot believe that any record producer would endorse this woman. Let's start with how she was first noticed, shall we? 

In 2011, she released two music videos on YouTube. The more popular of the two, titled "Pu$$y," is exactly what you'd expect it to be - a female rapper bragging about how awesome she is because she is good at rapping and sex (both according to herself). This song is everything that's wrong with rap music today. Rappers like Tupac Shakur and Common often used their talents to spread messages about real-world issues. Now, we have people like Iggy who egocentrically spit drivel into the microphone and call it "rap". But what makes this song particularly repulsive is its music video, which includes Iggy and two of her friends, several close-up shots of their vaginas (in pants, of course), and a young boy...for some reason. Seriously, why in God's name would anyone think that it was a good idea for Iggy to include a young boy in a video for a song with lyrics such as, "Iggy Iggy, pussy illy, wetter than the Amazon, taste this kitty"? In fact, that's the opening lyric to the song, and the boy is hanging on Iggy's back as she says it. There's even a scene where the boy is riding a rocking pony and he spanks it on the ass. Now, it's bad enough that the little boy is riding anything during a song about sex, but to have him spank it on the ass several times...that's just too obvious. Oh, and the chorus is literally just a computerized voice saying "pussy" twelve times. Because talent. 

That "X" totally covers up your ex's name on your hand...

Shortly afterward, she released an appropriately-named mix-tape called "Ignorant Art," which featured a freestyle rap titled "D.R.U.G.S.," which apparently stands for "directing reality undermining governed systems". Okay, what does that even mean? Maybe she means that she herself is directing reality, but also undermining governed systems, but that literally makes no sense as a standalone sentence. It makes even less sense when you look at some of the beautifully written lyrics, such as "No condom rap, gotta give it to you raw," and "I'm best with my strap-on, my vibrator, 'bout to Bust-a-Rhyme, no violator. Course no, I'ma feel myself , I'm a masturbator like 'uh uh uh uh, fuck me, fuck me'". Pro-tip for rappers - don't ascribe a "deep" title to a song with lyrics like this. It just makes you look stupider than you already are. Anyway, this song samples two songs from two people who can actually rap - Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino. The first lines of Iggy's song are actually a reference to Kendrick's song "Look Out For Detox". I get that rappers sample things a lot and that it's part of the genre, but what makes her sampling appalling is that she says, "Tire marks, tire marks, finish line with the fire marks. When the relay starts I’m a runaway slave-master". Firstly, this goes beyond sampling - she pretty much steals the entire line, save for replacing one of the "tire's" with "fire" and by referring to herself not as a "slave," but as a "slave-master". Why, Iggy, would you ever think that it would be a good idea to call yourself a slave master? I don't care if you're "referencing" something else - that is absolutely inexcusable. And if you try to deny the fact that you're a racist, I don't think these tweets are going to help your cause -

There's a thing called "thinking before you write". You should try it sometime.

So let's add xenophobia, horrid grammar, and hating Asians to your résumé.

And hating Mexicans

So, the fact that they're lesbians is relevant, how?

Man, if her goal is to offend literally everyone, she's doing a great job.

Want to know what's sad? These aren't even the only offensive tweets she's put out. I thought that celebrities were supposed to have PR people to tell them what they should or shouldn't tweet. Or perhaps they care just as little as she does. Anyway, now let's go into how she (somehow) propelled her way into super-stardom in the states.

THIS MEANS I'M TALENTED!

Iggy became a household name seemingly out of nowhere. When I first heard the name "Iggy Azalea" I thought it might be a new Froyo place or something. But then I heard "Problem," a song that she recorded with Ariana Grande. Admittedly, I rather enjoy the song, but it's honestly only because of the beat and because of Grande, who I consider to be a very talented vocalist. Even so, I remember when I first heard Iggy's verse, I said to myself "what the hell did she just say?" Still, the song was a huge hit, peaking at #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. At the same time, her song "Fancy" (which she recorded with Charli XCX) was also becoming increasingly popular. This song is akin to shooting your eardrums out with a crossbow. The song features such brilliant lyrics as, "I could hold you down, like I'm givin' lessons in physics". Now, I've never taken physics before, but I'm pretty sure that's not what physics is. The hook also makes no sense - 

I'm so fancy

You already know

I'm in the fast lane

From L.A. to Tokyo

I'm so fancy

Can't you taste this gold?

Remember my name

'Bout to blow

First of all, no we don't already know because none of us know who either of you are. Secondly, there is no fast lane from L.A. to Tokyo because they're separated by hundreds of miles of ocean. Third, are you shoving gold in people's mouths? How would someone be able to taste your gold? 

John and George's reaction upon hearing Iggy's album

Nevertheless, despite all of this song's flaws (including the use of the word "retarded"), it hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, and she became the first artist since The Beatles to rank at both #1 and #2 with their first two Hot 100 hits. That's right - according to Billboard, Iggy Azalea is comparable to The Beatles. I shouldn't even need to explain why that's bullshit, but I'll go briefly into it - first and foremost, do not EVER compare this woman to The Beatles. They are arguably (and in my own opinion) the greatest music act to ever exist, while Iggy Azalea is...Iggy Azalea. Secondly, "Problem" was not even Iggy Azalea's song - it was Ariana Grande's song. It's on Ariana's album and Iggy is merely listed as a "featured artist" on the track. Just because someone is featured on a song does not mean its their song. For example, David Bowie's "Fame" featured John Lennon on background vocals, but no one refers to that song as a "John Lennon song". Because it isn't. So "Problem" is not an Iggy Azalea song. Therefore, this statistic absolutely MUST be eliminated because it is a disgrace.

Anyway, back to Iggy and her "music". Her next hit was "Black Widow," which she recorded with Rita Ora. Much like "Problem" before it, I only enjoy this song for its beat and for the more talented musician in it. This song yet again features some nonsensical Iggy lyrics, such as, "It was us against the world, and now we just fucking". So, you're telling me that you had a failed relationship with a guy, but you're still having sex with him? If this song is based on truth, then no wonder the guy left her - he can't possibly appreciate her if she constantly gives him sex. You can't expect love from a glorified fuck-buddy. I'm sorry, but it's true. Nevertheless, she continues - 

Fun fact: 55% of black widows suffer from Azaleaphobia

I'm-a make you beg for it, plead for it

Till you feel like you breathe for it

Till you do any and everything for it

I want you to fiend for it

Wake up and dream for it

Till it's got you gasping for air

And you lean for it

'Till they have a CAT scan and check on your mind

And it's nothing but me on it

"It," of course, is her sex. Now, I have listened to this song a lot, and it does not sound like she's saying these words, or anything for that matter. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're supposed to be able to understand people when they sing or rap. I find that this is a constant trend with Iggy's music - people often don't understand what she's saying because of her fast rapping speed combined with her general inability to pronounce words in her own language. Fans of Iggy say that her pronunciation makes her "unique" and that her rapping speed is "impressive". Her pronunciation actually makes her sound like an idiot, and in rap, speed does not equal talent. For example, I can talk really fast, but I can't rap for shit. But at least I know that I can't rap, unlike Miss Azalea. Also, if the first verse talks about how you were stupid for giving him so much time, then why do you want him back so bad? It negates literally everything you said in the first verse. Third, if you're going to love him like a black widow, doesn't that mean you're going to have sex with him and then kill him? Because that's why they're called "widows," and that is pretty messed up if that's what you're thinking, Iggy. 

By the way, all three of these songs took six people to write. That's right - six. It took one person to write "Bohemian Rhapsody," two people to write "Stairway to Heaven," and one person to write "Imagine," but it took six people to write EACH of her three most successful songs. Just let that one sink in. 

Why isn't anyone cheering?

Now I'm thinking to myself "she can't possibly be that bad..maybe she's good live!" And then I watched several of her live performances, all of which were terrible. Somehow, she has become less comprehensible than she is on records. Secondly, as she's rapping, she struts about the stage awkwardly and makes it a point to show off her ass at every turn. This is because her ass is one of the main things she is known for, and she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she's exploiting it for fame. She has a song with Jennifer Lopez called "Booty," for God's sake! If I wanted to listen to a fast-talking rapper with a big ass, I'd listen to Nicki Minaj, and I'm not particularly fond of her either. Anyhow, one particular performance that I found to be absolutely abysmal was her performance on Saturday Night Live, in which she performed "Fancy," "Black Widow," and a song called "Beg For It". The whole thing just felt awkward, poorly timed, awfully choreographed, and overall embarrassing. To top it off, during the last song, her background singer completely botched her part. Perhaps Iggy told her to do it so as to make her look good by comparison, but alas, it didn't work. They both looked awful. Go ahead and watch for yourself, but do so at your own risk -

Seeing as this video needs no further explanation, I will conclude with this - Iggy Azalea is a wannabe rapper and a wannabe Southerner. She leeches off of the success of other musicians just to further shove her image down our throats and, despite the fact that her songs have so many writers, none of her songs make any sense. For someone who claims so much influence from Tupac Shakur, I cannot believe that her music is so devoid of meaning. She brings nothing new to the rap game and I sincerely hope that her 15-minutes are almost up. The fact that she was ever (and still is) relevant is an insult to music. In short, Iggy Azalea has literally no talent.

THE TOP 10 HARDEST LEVELS FROM THE DONKEY KONG COUNTRY SERIES

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Some of my finest gaming memories come from Rareware's Donkey Kong Country series. After playing all three games again recently on my Super Nintendo, I'd say that they hold up just as well today. Hell, even the graphics still look better than some of the more "technologically advanced" titles of the time (looking at you, Final Fantasy VII and Super Mario 64). It's not easy to create a series of games consisting entirely of masterpieces, but Rareware did it in a big way with these three. However, with all of that said, there are some levels in these games that just piss me off. Whether their difficulty is caused by environmental factors, timing, or cheap gimmicks, some of these levels are just brutal. Therefore, I present my personal top 10 list of the hardest levels from the original Donkey Kong Country series. Before I get started, I'd like to lay a few ground rules down:

1.) Like I said, I'm talking about the original trilogy for the SNES. I have not played Donkey Kong Country Returns nor have I played Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze, so they cannot and will not be included.

2.) I'm going to leave out any "Lost World" levels. Why? They are in a league of their own. They would more or less dominate the list if I put them in, so I'm just doing the ones that are vital to completing the main game. So no Animal Antics, Swoopy Salvo, Klobber Karnage, or any other levels of this sort. 

3.) This should be self-explanatory, but I'm not including boss battles in this list.

4.) I do occasionally use profanity. I shouldn't have to list that, but some people get offended, so please don't read beyond this point if you don't like adult language. 

5.) This is not the end-all-be-all of top 10's - these are my personal opinions based on how many lives I lost, how tedious or frustrating these levels were, etc. Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments, but my decisions are final. 

HONORABLE MENTION: 

Loopy Lights (Donkey Kong Country)

Rareware was being a real dick with this level. It's much like the earlier Stop 'N Go Station from a few worlds back, only this time the barrels don't deactivate invincible enemies - they turn the lights on and off. Throw in Klaptraps that jump only when you do (those little bastards are hard to kill) and Zingers to dodge in the dark, this level can prove a bit difficult. Apropos to the level's layout is that of the bonus levels, which tend to be difficult both to find and to navigate through. Thanks, darkness, my old friend. (Darkness can't be friends. Take that, Simon and Garfunkel!) Luckily, you can still see the whites of your enemies' eyes in the dark so you won't get a cheap shot. They do, however, throw in a Manky near the end, so if you don't go fast enough you may get hit with a barrel you can't see. Oh, and there's a jumping Klaptrap at the stage exit. Just when you thought you were in the clear. Fuck those jumping bastards.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Windy Well (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest)

You might notice a trend in this list - I don't like levels that dictate the pace at which to move, and I don't like feeling as though I'm not in control of the character. I get both of these feelings from Windy Well. Basically, the wind blows upward and you have to float along, dodging Zingers and such as you go. There are a lot of rather difficult spots in this, including very short wind bursts and navigating through a series of Zingers that seem to move at no specific pattern. I found myself taking hits purposefully so as to get that couple seconds of invincibility and speed the process up, because this level tends to drag the fuck on. Combine this with some  out-of-the-way bonus barrels (with not-so-easy objectives within, might I add) and a similarly placed DK Coin and you're going to find yourself real annoyed at this level. However, this level pretty much hands you a Red Kong Balloon shortly after the save barrel, so it's uncommon to "Game Over" on this level. You'll probably still die a lot, though.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Kong-Fused Cliffs (Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!)

Picture this - you're climbing a mountain. Everything seems great and good until all of a sudden, the rope starts burning underneath you. You're now left with no choice but to climb upward as fast as you can so you can survive. This is more or less the premise of this level. Add Buzzes and Kopters and you've got yourself a goddamn frustrating experience. You can never go too high because enemies are coming in all the time, and you can never go too low because you'll be burnt and/or fall to your death. You're given a very small square to work within. And of course, the bonus barrels are completely out of the way and OF COURSE they both take place on a burning rope, so have fun with that. To top it all off, the DK Coin is hidden in an alcove and you wouldn't even know it was there if you hadn't randomly thrown the steel keg at the end against the left-most wall. So why is this just an honorable mention? Well, in the end it's more or less just a test of memory. Once you know where everything is, this level is pretty manageable.

NUMBER 10:

Poisonous Pipeline (Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!)

Some people would put this at the top of their list, but I really don't think it's as bad as people say it is. Still, it's pretty fucking terrible. You're put into this pipe filled with purple water and enemies. It doesn't look so bad, until you realize that the poison has reversed your controls. When you push left your character moves right and vice versa. I suppose they needed some gimmick to hit the player with right before the final boss but...really? That's unbelievably cheap (then again, DKC3 has a lot of cheap gimmicks). I already can't stand water levels for their slow pace and occasional lack of control. I don't need to have my controls reversed on top of that. Nonetheless, as far as 100% completing it is concerned, there's one bonus barrel that's out of the way but they're both not that hard to find or to complete. The only pain in the ass is the inverted controls, particularly with Enguarde. The DK Coin isn't hard to get either - it's just kind of funny to attempt to get on land as the controls normalize once you hit the air. In short, this level isn't as hard as people think it is, but it made it to this list for a reason.

NUMBER 9:

Tanked Up Trouble (Donkey Kong Country)

Here's another one that moves at its own pace. Tanked Up Trouble takes all of the joy that was Trick Track Trek (I say that with the utmost sarcasm) and adds a fueling element to it. If your platform doesn't have enough fuel, you'll fall to your death. These barrels are often not easy to get and require pinpoint timing and accuracy, and skipping fuel barrels is not an option. Some of the fuel barrels only give you like a drop of fuel too, so you have to frantically jump to the next one, which knowing your luck is guarded by fucking Zingers. God, I hate those bees. And the bonus level is pretty hard to find too, being invisible and all. Anyway, they did re-hash this idea for DKC2's Haunted Hall level, but frankly I don't think that level was as bad as this one. But hey - that's just my opinion.

NUMBER 8:

Snow Barrel Blast (Donkey Kong Country)

Good Christ, this level was the bane of my childhood existence. Aside from being one of the longest levels in the game, it's also one of the most aneurysm-inducing. Now, in the first half of the level you might think to yourself "oh man this isn't that bad!" But then, once you hit that midway save barrel, snow starts falling HARD. This can seriously obstruct your view. Add that to the icy platforms, vultures flying at you, barrels that move really fast, and Zingers that get in your way as you move from barrel to barrel, and you've got yourself a real bitch of a level. I can't even tell you how long it took for me to beat this as a kid, and it still gives me trouble today. Also, there are not one, not two, but THREE bonus levels in this bad boy. And good luck finding them - they are all outside of the main path of the level. This would probably be higher on the list if it wasn't for the gigantic shortcut that pretty much lets you skip the entire second half of the level. I just found out about that shortcut recently though, so the frustration still applies.

NUMBER 7:

Web Woods  (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest)

Say hello to one of the most tedious levels in the entire series - Web Fucking Woods. You start off with some fairly easy platforming with Diddy and Dixie, but once you turn into Squitter the Spider...oh boy, are you in for some shit. You spend pretty much the entirety of the level using your web-platforming technique, navigating over large abysses inhabited by Zingers, Mini Neckys, and Kannons. Now, for one, the web platforms don't always last as long as you'd want them to. Two, it can prove very difficult to pinpoint where to put the webs, as you're constantly being barraged by enemies and you can only aim them so well. Three, this is one of the most bullshit levels to complete 100% in any of the three games. For example, to find one of the bonus areas you have to go all the way across an abyss, only to backtrack and follow a very slow-moving Kannonball to a wall, which it breaks down. Also, the DK Coin is one of the prizes you win if you hit the ending target at the right time. The problem, of course, is that the DK Coin shows up for only a fraction of a second, shorter than any of the other prizes. It's like the developers wanted us to hate this level. Well Rareware, mission accomplished.

NUMBER 6:

Koindozer Klamber (Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!)

This level is so unforgiving. You have to navigate through this level by climbing ropes and either dodging the Koindozers or jumping on their shields to progress. Here's the problem - the Koindozers are invincible, they run as fast as you run, and the hit detection is completely off. I found myself yelling "WHY THE FUCK DID I DIE?!" so many times during this level because I would seem to jump on the Koindozers on time, only to bounce off them and into a pit. Oh, and if you get hit once by these things, they will keep hitting you until you fall into a pit. It's often inescapable, so you'd be better off watching your own demise than trying to fight it. God forbid you should lose Dixie in this level. Her flying is more or less imperative to beating it, and even so it only helps a little bit. But you know what pisses me off the most? This is the only level that Koindozers appear in. They're specifically designed to make one level a living hell. Did I mention DKC3 has a lot of fucking stupid gimmicks in it? Anyway, if it wasn't for Dixie Kong, the easily-found bonus barrels, and a fairly easy DK Coin retrieval, this level probably would have been higher on the list.

NUMBER 5:

Chain Link Chamber (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest)

FUCK ROPE CLIMBING. Okay, so I'm not sure if anyone else shares my disdain for this level, but this is my list so fuck it - to me, rope climbing is bigger bullshit to control than swimming or any of the animal friends. I say this because it's constructed on the basis of cheap death. Let me explain - a lot of this level is spent dodging enemies on the chains, right? Problem is, a lot of the time you don't have a clear-cut idea of where the enemies are about to move, so you find yourself in a death trap. I get that this level has a couple of branching paths you can take, but I don't care. Add some hard-to-find bonus rooms, annoyingly difficult treks to the bonus coins, and having to walk through walls to get to the DK coin and you've got yourself a real bitch of a level. If you want a visual representation of this level, here it is - get to the part of this level where Zingers fly around aimlessly, kill yourself on one of them, fall to the platform below, and watch as the Kutlass swings his sword repeatedly at you. Yeah, this level just loves to kill you over and over and over again, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. 

NUMBER 4:

Poison Pond (Donkey Kong Country)

I thought maybe I'd be biased in choosing this level for this list, seeing as this was one of the first games I ever owned and seeing as this level has haunted me ever since. However, I have since replayed DKC and I can now say for sure that this level is horse shit. A lot of water levels require you to inch along carefully (which I hate in platformers), and this level is possibly the worst offender of that I have ever seen. This level is a constant onslaught of shit - enemies, mincers, you name it - it's going to kill you. Just when you think you're in the clear, a mincer comes at you quicker than you can react to it. Just after you've dodged an army of Bitesizes and Chomps, a Squidge comes to fucking stab you in the chest. This level goes beyond unforgiving and enters the realm of unfair. It's already hard enough to dodge things in the water, and Poison Pond makes it near impossible. Luckily, there are no bonus stages or secrets to this level, so once you finish it you can feel free to never subject yourself to that kind of torture again.

NUMBER 3:

Toxic Tower (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest)

Hey look! Another poison-themed level! Oh wait, there's a difference...this poison actually kills you. So here's the story - venomous acid is filling the castle and you have to rush to the top of the tower. Now here's the problem - a good portion of this level is spent playing as Rattly. In any other level Rattly is okay, but in this one he just might be the worst thing ever. He is super slow to charge up his super-jump, which you have to use in this level not only because of the fast-moving toxic waste but because most of the platforms are too high to reach normally. If you get stuck in that green shit as Rattly even once, you're dead. Oh, and Rattly is the one you get the DK Coin with, and you have to drop down a pit to get it. So...good luck with that. Anyway, once you get past the Rattly part (which will take fucking forever), the level is fairly manageable. There's only one bonus in it and it's during the Squitter portion. It's not a hard bonus, per se, but it's tedious. Nevertheless, the Rattly part is enough to put this level in my top 3 on this list. Yeah, it's that bad.

NUMBER 2:

Lightning Lookout (Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!)

Most people would expect to see this level at the top of a list like this. I don't think it's the absolute worst level per se, but OH MY GOD FUCK THIS LEVEL TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL. You traverse through a fairly basic forest platforming level while being followed by lightning strikes. Now, the first half of the level isn't that bad because you get a decent amount of time between lightning strikes and a "preview strike" so you know where it's going. As you get in the second half, however, the lightning gets faster and harder to avoid. Sure, you can hide under enemies for a short while, but you have to move at some point, and often times the lightning will strike based on where you'll end up at the pace you're moving at. AND, to make matters worse, there are parts where you have to go underwater. If you're anywhere in that body of water and lightning hits it, you're done. Really? Fucking REALLY?! This is the kind of level that you want to finish once and then never play again. Luckily, the bonus sections and DK coin come fairly easily, so it's not that hard to "one-and-done" this level, but it's going to take you a while. Honestly, this level is so cheap and so gimmicky that it made the overall game less enjoyable. 

NUMBER 1:

Screech's Sprint (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest)

Picture this - you've just finished a series of some of the hardest and most frustrating levels in the entire series, including Windy Well, Castle Crush, Chain Link Chamber and Toxic Tower, among others. You reach Stronghold Showdown, where you expect to fight Kaptain K. Rool. Instead, you see Donkey Kong tied up and pulled into an overhanging ship. You follow K. Rool up the rope, thinking that you'll fight him aboard "The Flying Krock" instead. WRONG! You have to do a bramble level before you get to the boss. That's right - after everything you went through in that last world, the game throws this monstrosity at you. This is one of those few levels in the series that is an absolute nightmare from start to finish. You begin with some unforgiving platforming with the Kongs that includes roll-jumping through brambles, several Cat O' 9 Tails' that are very hard to dodge (those are my least favorite enemy in any DKC game, by the way), precision jumps, and dodging enemies such as Zingers Mini-Neckys while climbing ropes. And then you reach the Squawks segment, where you have to fly through brambles (which is already frustrating enough on its own) while racing a bird named Screech. Yes, there are two secret barrels you can take as shortcuts during the race, but they really don't help too much because Screech doesn't move much slower than barrel blast speed and you have to waste time killing or dodging Zingers and navigating through really narrow sections of brambles...which Screech can bypass however the fuck he pleases. Literally, that son of a bitch can fly right through a Zinger without a single fuck given. And here's the kicker - you can't come in second or else you die, regardless of whether or not you have an extra Squawks. Yes, I've tried it. Oh, and this is also one of the hardest levels to complete in full. The bonus levels are somewhat difficult to find and unforgiving as all hell once you find them, and they put the DK Coin in the middle of the race in a completely inconvenient, completely hard-to-reach, completely out-of-the-way area that almost guarantees you a spot in second place. This level goes beyond being hard - this level is mean-spirited.